Monday, February 27, 2012

RIP Leslie Carter, 1986 - 2012



Leslie Carter passed away earlier this month, an event that passed me by completely until Frank told me about it.

I don't like to read much into media exposure, but from watching the Carter family reality show, House of Carters, Leslie seemed extremely unhappy in her participation. There are rumblings of mental illness, and I won't indulge or speculate. That's a private concern.

But I will say that House of Carters might have been one of the more uncomfortable television viewing experiences of recent memory. I was probably one of the few people who watched the show specifically for Leslie. I knew her, and had written about her once, when she started publishing candidly about her family life (particularly the difficult relationship the Carters had with their parents, seen occasionally on the reality show) and defending her brothers against online rumors.

The key pieces to read about Leslie, though, are "companion pieces" of sorts. Metal Mike Saunders wrote a piece -- "Tween-Pop Suppressed!" -- about the entire Leslie Carter album, which was shelved before her only single ("Like Wow!") was released. He sent me a copy of the album on cassette tape, as was the style at the time, and I've listened to it a few times. It's quite good, as early-00s bubblegum goes, at least on par with Triple Image or some of the other Radio Disney B-listers. But I haven't listened to it in a while.

In that piece, Metal Mike also references a more disturbing article, "The Devil in Greg Dark," which describes how porn director Dark turned to the teenpop music video world in the early 00's. The video shoot profiled in that piece was Leslie Carter's "Like Wow!," and anyone who wants to decry shady practices in the music industry would do well to note that it's far more likely that exploitation happens in the videos than in the production of the music. A sample:

Because she is one of the Orlando Carters, there was reason to believe that Leslie would show up for the shoot in a manner befitting the Orlando Carters, which is to say rigorously and even pitilessly prepared.

Instead, she showed up with "issues," which is to say she showed up overweight. Leslie Carter is a big girl, and if there's anything little girls can't abide--if there's anything they fear as a rebuke to the possibilities of their own rapacity--it's the prospect of becoming a big girl, and so, despite their applause and their polite smiles, [DreamWorks executives] Frances and Goldie are uneasy, which is to say panicky. They spend a lot of time in hushed conference, trying to select slimming outfits and to devise flattering camera angles, or else speaking to Craig Fanning, who owns F.M. Rocks, the production company making the "Like, Wow!" video. Craig Fanning is the only person in the studio who did not applaud Leslie Carter's first turn in front of the camera.

Although he wears a white windbreaker and white Stan Smith tennis shoes, and although he has neatly cut red hair and a face full of freckles, he has hard, narrow eyes rigged for unsparing assessments, and his assessment of Leslie Carter's first take was this: It's not enough. She's not selling the song enough. She's not feeling it enough and not having enough fun. Leslie Carter has to do enough in front of the camera to overcome her issues, because the singers she is in competition with--Britney and Christina and Mandy and Jessica--have no issues to overcome. They are perfect. Their hair, their makeup, their clothes, everything is perfect. They are pros. You ask them to do something, they do it. They do not show up unprepared. They are not big girls, and now, because Leslie Carter is a big girl, everybody--from the Orlando Carters to Frances and Goldie to Craig Fanning--is counting on Gregory Dark to transform her more than she was able to transform herself. They are counting on Gregory Dark to make her beautiful, to make her commercially viable, to make her--somehow--perfect.

All I'll say is that "Like Wow!" continues to be one of my favorite bubblegum songs of the immediate post-Britney era, and that it's a real shame that the whole album was shelved. If I ever manage to get a copy of it, I'll share it here.

EDIT: Someone's shared the link on Mediafire.

I also didn't excerpt any of the disturbing stuff about the post-production "squeeze" effect they tried using in the video, which the author of the piece dubbed the "Skinnyizer":

Gregory's sitting in another room at the studio, behind a woman working to skinnyize images of Leslie Carter. There's an image of Leslie Carter on the monitor. She's wearing a pink top, and she has ... issues. Then the woman hits a button, clicks a mouse, and--blip!--she stretches, like an image transferred onto Silly Putty. Blip-bloop: Leslie has issues, and then she doesn't.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

No one is safe in the Twittersphere anymore


STUPID SHIT INDEX!

Hey look, first song from Paris (sort of -- she's featured on the track, by Manufactured Superstars, and just recites a monologue over a house track) since the theme song to her BFF show, I think!



Prefer the Pierces' "Boring" for club ennui novelty, and prefer every other Paris Hilton song to this one, but since it doesn't seem to be a "Paris Hilton song," really, I can appreciate it as novelty music.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Stupid Shit


It should come as no surprise to anyone that I like me some stupid shit. But shouldn't there be a way to keep track of all of the stupid shit that I like? Well, reader, you are in luck. I have started the STUPID SHIT INDEX, a very scientific measure of how awesome stupid shit I like actually is to other scientists and such. Most of these tracks have undergone peer review (at the Singles Jukebox).

It looks like 2012 is already going to be a delightful year for stupid shit, as one of my favorite stupid shits (not to be confused with the Stupid Shits) from 2011, Lil Chuckee, who was featured on "Did Ya Mama" on the best and stupidest-shit album of last year, the Collipark mixtape.

Lil' Chuckee - Wop
Short for "'Wobble' w/ bomp," Lil Chuckee reminds us that Little Richard was, indeed, a fool for this one.

Breathe Carolina - Blackout
Slowly but surely the vocodering and Autotuning are getting me to care less about the whiny affectations of singers in sideways trucker hats. (More and more Hellogoodbye look like they staked out key territory here -- they're the Lewis and Clark of my giving a shit about emo dude singers.) Here the boys give themselves over to the DJ, who mixes and futzes with vocals like another instrument -- I don't think I've heard those clipped DJ sound drop-outs used in a pop chorus, but it works.

Key Swag 3000 - Poof


H/t John Seroff on this one -- embedded, commentary unnecessary at this point. Kat Stevens should analyze a few of these outfits.

Brianna Perry - Marilyn Monroe
Not nearly as stupid as Donald Trump. I'm trying to figure out if this lyric is what I suspect it is:

I'm goin' blonde -- I think I'm Marilyn
So I bought more -- Maryland

I'm not sure I've ever heard someone say that they have so much money they could buy a state.


Neon Hitch - Fuck U Betta
I find it impossible to hate this song. Someone brought up the Vengaboys, so I'll just say that this sounds like Girlicious on the Vengabus. If that sounds like a public transit system to hell, you probably shouldn't click through.

And hey, that reminds me that Anjulie's "Brand New Bitch" has been sneaking around the periphery of my consciousness for the better part of six months, and I think it should be belatedly included here. Sounded awesome in Whole Foods the other day! (Wait, really? YES. That happened. DANCE PARTY IN THE BULK GRANOLA AISLE.)

Astute readers will note that I almost immediately abandoned the whole concept of a "Stupid Shit Index." Well, in the time that I began writing this post, my top, second, and third-choice science journals got back to me saying that my data was unpublishable. So consider these merely anecdotal evidence that is in need of more rigorous confirmation. I'll see if I can get a conference presentation out of it at least.

EDIT: Oh, and finally, back by popular demand, a singer called BM who sounds like a horse.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Comments

Echo has finally gone belly up altogether -- is asking me for money in order to continue using the system.

For the time being I've reinstated Blogger, and will switch over to Disqus. All old comments are archived but are currently not searchable from their original posts. I'll try to fix that problem as soon as I can.

EDIT: OK, I'm switched to Disqus.

If anyone can make heads or tails of these instructions and could help me actually use them to repopulate Disqus with my old Haloscan comments (in one XML file containing all comments), I will pay them in monetary units to do so, since the alternative is to pay Echo, which I refuse to do on principle.