I left you, darling, because I was hesitating too much.

Dang, my hit counter's spiraling down to zero faster than you can say NIP SLIP ASHLEY TISDALE HANNAH MONTANA CORBIN BLEU HOW OLD IS MILEY CYRUS ALY AJ ZAC EFRON HOTTIE SUCH A HOTTIE HOW OLD IS ZAC EFRON ZAC EFRON IS THE CUTEST HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL DISNEY RIHANNA IS NICOLE SCHERZINGER BRITNEY LINDSAY PARIS HILTON PREGNANT NAKED NUDE BONO.

A long absence. Hopefully no more to follow. Will not know this. Until I can resume writing in complete. Sentences.

You've been waiting for something big, and I'd hate not to deliver on my cryptic promises. So here you have it, the thing I've been working on for like three weeks...

GOOGLING "MY HUMPS" TO FIND THE SERBO-CROATIAN TRANSLATION!!!!

Lyrics and translation:
šta ćeš da uradiš s to dupe
(what you're gonna do with that ass)
ja ću da zaradim mnogo pare
(i'm gonna make money)
šta ćeš da uradiš s te sise
(what you're gonna do with those tits)
što si otišla
(why did you leave (me))
otišla sam od tebe srećko, što si se mnogo nećk'o
(i left you, darling*, because you were hesitating too much)

*srećko is actually sth. like "darling of fortune", "lucky fellow" etc.

And now I'm going to sleep for a week.

(Also, I'm having another film school flare-up. So I might be posting sporadically for the next three years or so.)

(PS - How many humps could a K-punk* thump if a K-punk could thump humps?

*k-punk is actually sth. like "darling of fortune," "lucky fellow," etc. He thinks and feels. He has a job. Occasionally he requires a snack. I do not know what sorts of food a k-punk would like, nor do I know if K-punk is typical of other k-punks. K-punks, generally, do not move in migratory patterns. I know this because I have never seen k-punks migrate. Nor have I seen them not migrate, which isn't to say I've never not seen them migrate, nor have I seen them migrate. What do you call a pair of k-punks? K-punks? What do you call a group of k-punks? K-punks? If "K-punk" was a shape, would it have angles? Would it be spherical? How many k-punks can dance on the head of a pin? If a k-punk identifies with another k-punk, does he strengthen or diminish the essence of his k-punkness? Can k-punkness be diminished? Are k-punks clones and clones of clones and even clones of clones of clones of clones (I'm getting ahead of myself), or does K-punk, of whom I know something, have little relation to other k-punks, of whom I know nothing? Can we even say that there are other k-punks? I merely speculate now because I've never seen more than one k-punk, which isn't to say I've never not seen more than one; no, I've never seen more than one (not I, anyway), but I have seen one. I've never seen him, I suppose, but I've sensed him. He is; of this I am certain. I assume if there is one, there might be more than one, whereas I would not necessarily assume that something I have never seen (e.g., a migrating k-punk) might exist somewhere; in fact, this might very well be a reason for arguing against the existence of said thing (especially if said thing was, for example, a g-punk, which I have never seen nor heard tell of myself, though this could be remedied, I suppose) -- that it does not appear to exist. Although appearances aren't always everything. Perhaps there are k-punks, and k-punks who migrate, at that, and if I ever meet one I will ask if this k-punk (let's call him/her K-punk) or that k-punk (also K-punk, reverse gender or leave ambiguous) if he/she/(s)he has a favorite snack food. I will then ask if K-punk or K-punk, but probably not K-punk (whom I will also ask if given the opportunity) eats this snack food compulsively (i.e. "snack attack") and whether or not he or she wears a hat. I know that K-punk has a job, so I can only assume that K-punk (for the sake of differentiation, let's call him/her "K-punk(a)") and K-punk (for the sake of different differentiation, let's call him/her "K-punk(b)") have jobs as well, though I would be hard pressed to name a specific vocation. Though k-punks undoubtedly have jobs, it is not clear what they do (except that they most likely do not-migrating for most of the time, even if they do migrating-migrating for some fraction of the time, the time being all time in their existence, which may or may not be). But since I've speculated a bit, let's do a conservative estimate and say that there are a limited number of k-punks (admittedly, my two examples already constitute a rather conservative estimate if we're erring on the side of more than one k-punk in existence -- however, it may have been shortsighted of me to assume that there are three K-punks when in fact I know of only one, hence my differentiation and anyway it's all for the sake of argument). Is it possible that K-punk, certainly not speaking for all k-punks, is unaware that there are other -- migrating or non- -- k-punks out there, snacking and possibly migrating? (Do they snack whilst, as they say, migrating? If they move from one place to another, and have consumed food in the interim, can we say that, between point A (origin point) and B (destination point) they have snacked whilst, as they etc., migrating?) Do non-birds migrate? If the answer is no, then I'll need to revise my hypothesis, which so far is that it is possible for k-punks to migrate, even if it is likely that it's unlikely. Because I happen to know that if there were k-punks, in addition to K-punk, if different than K-punk (hence the differentiation between K-punk and K-punk in my previous example), they would NOT be birds -- otherwise they would not be k-punks -- and therefore would not migrate. Which is to say, I can tell you definitively, if this new piece of questionable information is true, which it likely is not, that the very existence of k-punks may be in question, but it is unquestionably unquestionable that they do NOT migrate. BUT (and it's a big "but") this does not mean that k-punks do not move in migratory patterns, which was the question, for hockey players can move in migratory patterns, even though they do not migrate; aircrafts can move in migratory patterns -- and follow the migratory paths of other animals, just as migratory air-animals follow the paths of other crafts -- without technically migrating themselves. If you have traced a migratory path in a migratory pattern, have you migrated? I argue no, definitively, though I'm uncertain as to how much definitiveness can be considered "definitively" (I'm fairly definitive). Would K-punk argue yes, more definitively? And provide his definition of "definitive"? I think no to the former, don't know (so not no, though neither is it not yes, so not yes -- at least, not yet) the latter (don't quote me to the letter, though I didn't expect it from the former -- implied "you" there; yes, "you" there, implied, but "you" who? Implied? Where? -- so it would be something of a surprise). But, again, if K-punk is not typical of other k-punks, assuming there are other k-punks (and this has yet to be proved, and has not been disproved, so of course it's a possibility that there is someone who fits this description, even if I couldn't tell you whom), this may not be true of K-punk even if it is true of k-punks.)

Zombie-ey-ey-ey

Jeff W (I think?) for the win! Lex for the crippling, crippling loss. Apologies.

There shoulda been a Poptimists pool (not "poll")!

Uh, when are Poptimists actually gonna start betting on these sortsa things for $$$? Er, sorry, £££. Is there some secret place where it happens? If so, I want in.



h/t Idolator

Half of me / used to be / a mask that wore pro wrestlers

...Some were small / some were tall / and some were decked with feathers.


If you've wondered why all's been quiet on the Bedbug Front for the past few days, (1) it's because you're not commenting, or you wouldn't think it's been very quiet at all, and (2) it HAS been quiet (gotcha!) cuz I'm working on something big that I can't tell y'all about yet. Because it's a SECRET. (The Unicorns line "we secrete leaders of secrecy" would have been better as "we secrete secrets of leadership." Just a thought.)

I'll redirect you to a place where fun conversations are happening, like, CLEVERNESS IN POP: A GOOD THING? (Tentative answer: yes.)

Also: it's August.

Also: Is it really obvious that I just wanted to share my poem with the world?

EDIT: Also, is it just me or was that Will Oldham as a police officer in Trapped in the Closet Chapter 15?

Trust U

How much do you need to trust an artist to enjoy his/her music? And what does this entail, exactly? I found myself saying this spontaneously over at Koganbot:

I think Ashlee has a lot to offer rockcritdom, but rockcritics by and large aren't looking for the kind of everyday profundity Ashlee has to offer them (because most will find it in indie music, where mundanity just is; it's built into the aesthetic -- bring in a friggin' string section and you're "orchestral," while I didn't even NOTICE the strings all that consciously in "Shadow" until I saw them record the strings -- Ashlee yawning in the studio -- for the album on her reality show two years later!!!). But indie usually doesn't have as much to tell me about small-L life -- the production of the music is small-L already, so no one has to risk naivete or embarrassment to wring small-L life out of the music; mostly you get preciousness or cleverness or competence (twee, indie pop, bread-n-butter indie rock stuff). But for a guy like me (relatively sheltered, reasonably brainy, adventurous in my head but cautious in the street), embarrassment is absolutely crucial to connection; it's how I gain trust (going back a bit to what Kat was saying the other day). Something has to be on the line.

And the last part is referencing this exchange between Kat Stevens and Nia:

Kat: I know Avril is bonkers - I know WHY she writes bad poetry. Frank says above that the personal 'problems' lyrics can be like reading everyday livejournal entries, but on LJ I'm reading about my friends who I have a personal interest in even if they're writing about what they had for lunch. I know Avril and can tolerate her tantrums and vague hand-waving. I didn't even know what Ashlee looked like until I saw the picture at the top of this entry and so I don't trust her - how do I know she means what she says? Anyone could have handed her a sheet of paper with that on it. I don't doubt she's a great writer, but I'm just playing devil's advocate here. Could we be reading all this meaning into some words that just happened to fall out of her pen one day? That she saw on the side of a bus? I think I've been spoilt by Xenomania in this respect :-)

Nia: Why all this trust for Avril, who's been slammed multiple times by multiple co-writers for plagiarism and/or laziness, but not Ashlee, who's got a whole television show documenting her involvement in her album? At some point, you didn't know what Avril looked like, either. When did you decide she means what she says? (Unless when you say you know Avril, you mean you actually know Avril, in which case...well, feel free to tell her how much I hate her.)

Kat: Trust perhaps isn't the right word - it's more about knowing what you're getting (whether that's good, bad, plagiaristic or creative). I have seen enough of Avril on telly and in the papers over the last three years to get a mental image of what sort of person she is whilst I listen to her music (whether that image is conjured up by her PR team or whatever is a completely different thread - I'm happy to make my own judgements based on what I see and read). I didn't know Ashlee had a tv show until this afternoon, and so her lyrics (and, I guess, her music) are disembodied for me right now. Until I 'get to know her better' (which I fully intend to do) my jury is out. I've mentioned how important personality is to me for pop music elsewhere - that's one of the ways I differentiate pop from eg dance music or hiphop. I could be here all night on this one, my views are by no means fixed and this opinion could change by next week!

Fixating on this a bit, because in the same comment thread (which is well worth a read) I made this observation differentiating Ashlee and Marit (would like to work out some of Marit's neurotic tendencies sometime; I think about her lyrics a lot, but they're deeply sad and I think my analysis of them would risk being downright hysterical -- she says "don't save me," but my impulse IS to save her, feel sorry for her, which makes me hugely uncomfortable):

Difference being, Ashlee's actually singing about a "you," while Marit is never singing about a you -- every song becomes a little dagger that ends up cutting her, and she doesn't even flinch. (Except "Don't Save Me," which weirdly, despite being one of her best-sounding songs, just fades on me a little when I try to dig into it. It doesn't terrify me; I don't trust her enough to invest myself in it and see what happens.)

It seems to me that in order for me to invest myself in an artist, I need to gauge how willing they are to express a certain vulnerability, openness, a willingness to embarrass themselves -- whether or not this artist image syncs up with a real-life personality is usually of secondary importance, though it matters sometimes (it's important to me that the Arcade Fire are genuinely nice and humble people; it's important to me that Ashlee Simpson isn't an obtuse brat; it's important to me that Marit is smart n' savvy as she seems, and to a lesser extent that Marion Raven is about as...um, obtuse and bratty as she seems.)

But obviously this isn't always true, and I'm not sure it's even usually true -- it may be the exception that forms a sorta unique aspect of my taste, the kinds of choices that (I feel) differentiate me from someone else. The personal connection, even if I happen to also be on a bandwagon. (Just 'cuz we're on the same bandwagon doesn't mean we're there for the same reasons.)

Interesting thing with this is that I don't need to relate to the artist in question at all, merely need to understand them on terms they're setting (that I also want to meet them on, which is of equal importance; Avril usually has a clear set of terms -- she's good at being mega-obvious -- but I loathe her, so I'm not eager to meet her on those terms).

So: what is trust, exactly? Loosely, I feel like it's a willingness to give a little on record, let out a sort of unsanctioned glimpse of humanity ("unsanctioned" because it's pretty easy for "humanity" to become a shortcut signifier with little humanity in it). A dare or a confession or a wink (though usually winks overpower nuance) that feels like a risk but just nails you. "Bullseye -- you hit my heart."

(Re: indie rock, I don't mean to snarkily generalize or create a clear dichotomy, but I relate instinctively to a lot of indie rock (and, similarly, a lot of music critics) because they so easily remind me of myself, and hence don't need to do much to win me over. And so they end up not winning me over, they simply hit a few comfortable pleasure centers and call it a day. The Clientele, Phoenix, the White Stripes, Modest Mouse maybe, all enjoyable but rarely deeply challenging -- it's comfort food. Worth noting that I don't want to be challenged all the time. Even most of the time.)

Dirrty Laundree

Better than Burial?

NOTE: IT IS OFFICIALLY MAD AS HELL DIATRIBE WEEK. SEE POINT 3.

1. New Stylus column ran today, Downgrade U, about my fanciful categories of "mini-bling" and "meta-bling." This was a difficult piece to balance, because I'm not totally serious in making these distinctions, but I do think some of the ideas are important: my general idea here is that conscious moderation in pop in the face of excess is actually kind of exciting, or at the very least interesting. Relates to a question I asked a few months ago about songs discussing guilt of privilege, jumping off from P!nk's "I Got Money Now."

My fear, though, is that moderation may become a rule instead of exception to a general rule (a form of base-covering that results from decreasing popular clamor for, er, glamor -- which may not be the case, in fact I'm sure it's not the case at the level of everyday consumerism, but it seems like there's this sort of uneasiness "in the culture" at the moment, where no one wants to be the one with a finger pointed at them [at the celeb level]).

This could be unfounded and a little paranoid, but Disney's an excellent glimpse into the world of more pervasive self-restriction in terms of normally common fodder for pop music -- sexuality and wealth and spite and any other extreme or "controversial" subject/feeling isn't so much outlawed altogether but very much frowned upon. Aly and AJ are pretty huge exceptions here, but even their second album (minus bonus tracks) feels safe(r than usual) (though I regret how flip I was in discussing their most recent one -- especially since the B-sides, in the end, aren't necessarily B-sides! But this track shuffling might be a form of diffusing any responsibility for a controversial track, at least in the case of "Blush").

2. Top twenty has changed a bit with some new releases: Aly and AJ made the top ten with the inclusion of "Blush" in the regular tracklist and my insistence that the two bonus tracks count toward the total; Ashley Monroe easily ingratiates her way into the top ten; a better copy of the Carter 3 confirms that it's a lot better than Da Drought 3; Tegan and Sara win me over the way I wish Meg & Dia could've last year; M.I.A. demolishes all competition without question -- best album of the year, and I really can't imagine anything else touching it at this point, but who knows. I'm at listen 8-10 and I still get excited listening to the thing, even as I start learn all the weird crevices in the beats and decipher some of the (endearingly) cryptic clunkers. Even sort of dig the ultra-retardo Afrikan Boy verse! (More songs about tax evasion, plz.) "Paper Planes" and "$20" and "World Town" and and and...I mean, seriously. The Timbaland bonus track actually seems AWFUL in comparison, and it's pretty good! "Baby girl, you and me need to go to your teepee" = THIS MAN SHOULD BE SHOT. Except I'm starting to like that he absolutely refuses to shut the hell up on his tracks, no matter how severely damaged the track comes out as a result! Fits in with the rest of the brazenness of the M.I.A. album, but not endearing enough.

Not to mention other growers that won't make the 20 but still kinda kick ass in the light of day/repeat listens: the Clientele, Tracey Thorn, Arctic Monkeys, Paramore, Maximo Park, Amerie. All low-key pleasures, but damn, lots of good albums. And I'm not counting my Mostly Wanted Miley Cyrus distillation (13 golden tunes plus four Skye Sweetnam bonus traxx in an hour of bliss) because it would probably take a spot in the top ten otherwise. Debating whether or not to include "Hyphy Hitz," but I like what it does to the countdown.

In case you were wonnerin'...

01. M.I.A. - Kala
02. Miranda Lambert - Crazy Ex-Girlfriend
03. Hilary Duff - Dignity
04. Kelly Clarkson - My December
05. Ashley Monroe - Satisfied
06. Tegan and Sara - The Con
07. Lil' Wayne - The Carter 3 mixtape
08. Various - Hyphy Hitz
09. Gogol Bordello - Super Taranta
10. Aly and AJ - Insomniatic (+ bonus tracks)
11. R. Kelly - Double Up
12. Lucky Soul - The Great Unwanted
13. The Fratellis - Costello Music
14. Modest Mouse - We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank
15. LCD Soundsystem - Sound of Silver
16. Digitalism - Idealism
17. Pantha Du Prince - This Bliss
18. Spoon - Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga
19. Arcade Fire - Neon Bible
20. Rihanna - Good Girl Gone Bad

3. On vacation starting tonight and probably won't have a chance to write any more or respond to anything, so in the interim I am leaving in my place a MAD AS HELL DIATRIBE ROCK, upon which you should all stand and air your grievances.

WHY AM I MAD AS HELL?

No one's getting mad as hell and commenting here and it's been kind of a dead zone lately. The Aly and AJ hatemail is building up!

So GET IT OUTTA YOUR SYSTEM and then come back and think about it s'more and rephrase etc. Especially if you were directed here from Bedbug Buddy and #2 clickthru (after Google Image searches for NIP SLIP, ALY AND AJ CHRISTIAN, and [UNDERAGE TEENPOP STARLET ENGAGING IN OBSCENE SEXUAL ACTIVITY]) Blissblog and DON'T LIKE WHAT U C! Hit me witcher best shot, I won't even be here to hit back (for a bit)!