Looking over all of my unedited Singles Jukebox blurbs for last year and I realize that with a little effort I could be the third-rate Yogi Berra of music criticism! I'm a sucker for a good (read: awful) one-liner and/or super-convoluted metaphor, tho.
On Phoenix: "They have a bright future behind them."
On Kelly Clarkson: "On her last album she cast herself as Jesus Christ on the cross; this is a huge step down...er, figuratively speaking."
On Jeremih: "I think I need a new music box -- when I wind this one up it just plays a retarded The-Dream knock-off." [After a year of radio saturation to make me think I was wrong on this one, I realize now that I was right the first time. Whew!]
On Demi Lovato: "The song's underlying sweetness remains unmoved amid the chug, like a sapling surviving a brief hurricane in the middle of a shopping mall."
On Dirty Projectors "Stillness Is the Move": "A third of this song is a pleasant surprise."
On Eminem's "3AM": "This is really bad even by 'free movie made exclusively for the Comcast OnDemand FEAR channel' standards. For those of you not familiar with Comcast's OnDemand FEAR channel, those standards are low, even by low-standards standards."
On YYY's "Heads Will Roll": "Megalomaniacal crossover appeal."
Hey, here's an interesting one -- review of Daisy Dares You seems to be turning out pretty accurately so far! Ahem:
"Sorta dreamy, sorta dark three-chord power-pop is likeable enough but super gimmicky and ultimately forgettable, which means that Daisy, whoever she is, will probably start tearin' up the British charts and be hailed in the UK music press as the savior of a new generation of women rockers any time now. Y'all are weird."
And thus it was:
Daisy Dares You is the stage name used by Daisy Coburn, a 16 year old pop artist from Essex. She has not yet released an album, but she is already garnering much media attention, and she has been profiled by The Times, the BBC and The Guardian as a young artist to watch for 2010
On Rihanna's "Russian Roulette": "What hath Heath Ledger wrought?"