Remembrance of Zings Past

Looking over all of my unedited Singles Jukebox blurbs for last year and I realize that with a little effort I could be the third-rate Yogi Berra of music criticism! I'm a sucker for a good (read: awful) one-liner and/or super-convoluted metaphor, tho.

On Phoenix: "They have a bright future behind them."

On Kelly Clarkson: "On her last album she cast herself as Jesus Christ on the cross; this is a huge step down...er, figuratively speaking."

On Jeremih: "I think I need a new music box -- when I wind this one up it just plays a retarded The-Dream knock-off." [After a year of radio saturation to make me think I was wrong on this one, I realize now that I was right the first time. Whew!]

On Demi Lovato: "The song's underlying sweetness remains unmoved amid the chug, like a sapling surviving a brief hurricane in the middle of a shopping mall."

On Dirty Projectors "Stillness Is the Move": "A third of this song is a pleasant surprise."

On Eminem's "3AM": "This is really bad even by 'free movie made exclusively for the Comcast OnDemand FEAR channel' standards. For those of you not familiar with Comcast's OnDemand FEAR channel, those standards are low, even by low-standards standards."

On YYY's "Heads Will Roll": "Megalomaniacal crossover appeal."

Hey, here's an interesting one -- review of Daisy Dares You seems to be turning out pretty accurately so far! Ahem:

"Sorta dreamy, sorta dark three-chord power-pop is likeable enough but super gimmicky and ultimately forgettable, which means that Daisy, whoever she is, will probably start tearin' up the British charts and be hailed in the UK music press as the savior of a new generation of women rockers any time now. Y'all are weird."

And thus it was:

Daisy Dares You is the stage name used by Daisy Coburn, a 16 year old pop artist from Essex. She has not yet released an album, but she is already garnering much media attention, and she has been profiled by The Times, the BBC and The Guardian as a young artist to watch for 2010

On Rihanna's "Russian Roulette": "What hath Heath Ledger wrought?"

2010

2010: The Year Everyone Ate More Fruit [FINAL FOR PAZZ AND JOP BALLOT]

1. Kelis - Flesh Tone
2. Ke$ha - Animal + Cannibal (Deluxe Edition)
3. Marina and the Diamonds - The Family Jewels
4. Jamey Johnson - The Guitar Song
5. Rick Ross - Teflon Don
6. Arcade Fire - The Suburbs
7. Goldfrapp - Head First
8. Mose Allison - The Way of the World
9. Diddy Dirty Money - Last Train to Paris
10. Trey Songz - Passion, Pain, and Pleasure
11. Kanye West - My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy
12. Erykah Badu - New Amerykah, Pt. 2: Return of the Ankh
13. Far East Movement - Free Wired
14. I Blame Coco - The Constant
15. The-Dream - Love King
16. Waka Flocka Flame - Flockaveli
17. Warpaint - The Fool
18. Yelawolf- Trunk Muzik 0-60
19. Spoon - Transference
20. Maximum Balloon - s/t

SINGLES [FINAL P&J]

1. Alicia Keys - Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart
2. Far East Movement - Like a G6
3. Justin Bieber f. Ludacris - Baby
4. Sade - Soldier of Love
5. DJ Zinc f. Ms. Dynamite - Wile Out
6. Kylie Minogue - Get Outta My Way
7. Nas f. Damian Marley - As We Enter
8. Waka Flocka Flame - Hard in Da Paint
9. Wiley and Chew Fu - Take That
10. YG - Toot It and Boot It


Hardcore (Bananas) [7ish-8] [A-/B+] [Three monkey poos]
Laurie Anderson - Homeland
Aloe Blacc - Good Things
Big Boi - Sir Lucious Leftfoot, Son of Chico Dusty
Delorean - Subiza
Fefe Dobson - Joy
E-40 - Revenue Retrievin' - Day Shift
E.via - Via Polar EP
Girlicious - Rebuilt
Gold Panda - Lucky Shiner
Gorillaz - Plastic Beach
HEALTH - DISCO2
Hole - Nobody's Daughter
Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings - I Learned the Hard Way
Lil' Wayne - I Am Not a Human Being
Lil' Wayne - Rebirth
M.I.A. - /\/\/\Y/\
Massive Attack - Heligoland
Kylie Minogue - Aphrodite
Liz Phair - Funstyle
Princesa - Mas Fuego
Sade - Soldier of Love
Gil Scott-Heron - I'm New Here
UNKLE - Where Did the Night Fall
Vampire Weekend - Contra
Wallpaper. - Doodoo Face

Mediumcore (Ananas) [6ish-7] [B] [Two monkey poos]
!!! - Strange Weather, Isn't It?
Black Mountain - Wilderness Heart
Celph Titled & Buckwild - Nineteen Ninety Now
Chemical Brothers - Further
Court Yard Hounds - s/t
Das Racist - Shut Up, Dude mixtape
Dead Weather - Sea of Cowards
The Drums - s/t
Electric Six - Zodiac
Peter Gabriel - Scratch My Back
Charlotte Gainsbourg - IRM
Holy Ghost! - Static on the Wire EP
Juan Maclean - DJ-Kicks
LCD Soundsystem - This Is Happening
Ted Leo - The Brutalist Bricks
Lindstrom & Christabelle - Real Life Is No Cool
Omar Rodriguez Lopez - Tychozorente
Love Is All - Two Thousand & Ten Injuries
Laura Marling - I Speak Because I Can
Javiera Mena - Mena
Nneka - Concrete Jungle
Pantha du Prince - Black Noise
Mike Patton - Mondo Cane
Quasi - American Gong
Robyn - Bodytalk
Jazmine Sullivan - Love Me Back
Taylor Swift - Speak Now
Young Money - We Are Young Money

Softcore (Mehs) [5ish-6] [B-/C+] [One monkey poo]
Apples in Stereo - Travellers in Space and Time
Justin Bieber - My World 2.0
Black Eyed Peas - The Beginning
B.o.B - Presents the Adventures of Bobby Ray
Cee-Lo Green - Ladykiller
Chromeo - Business Casual
Ciara - Basic Instinct
Fantasia - Back to Me
Ellie Goulding - Lights
Hot Chip - One Life Stand
jj - no3
The Knux - Fuck You EP
Lady Antebellum - Need You Now
Lali Puna - Our Inventions
Jerry Lee Lewis - Mean Old Man
Les Savy Fav - Root for Ruin
Jamie Lidell - Compass
Lloyd - The Young Goldie EP [2009]
Ida Maria - Katla
Maroon 5 - Hands All Over
Bruno Mars - Doo-Wops and Hooligans
Katie Melua - This House
Melvins - The Bride Screamed Murder
Method Man, Ghostface, Raekwon - Wu Massacre
Nicki Minaj - Pink Friday
Janelle Monae - The ArchAndroid
My Chemical Romance - Danger Days
Kate Nash - My Best Friend Is You
Ne-Yo - Libra Scale
Owen Pallett - Heartland
Pipettes - Earth vs. the Pipettes
Rihanna - Loud
Mark Ronson and Business Internat'l - Record Collection
Jay Sean - All or Nothing [2009]
Shabazz Palaces - EPs
Sia - We Are Born
Sleigh Bells - Treats
Sufjan Stevens - Age of Adz
Superchunk - Majesty Shredding
Titus Andronicus - The Monitor
KT Tunstall - Tiger Suit
Twista - The Perfect Storm
Walkmen - Lisbon

Nocore Whatsoever (Nahs) [C/D/F] [Zero monkey poos]
Broken Bells - s/t
Nadine Coyle - Insatiable
Simon Curtis - 8-Bit Heart
Daft Punk - Tron Legacy OST
Drake - Thank Me Later
Eminem - Recovery
Futureheads - The Chaos
Girl Talk - All Day
Katy Perry - Teenage Dream
The Knife - Tomorrow, In a Year
Liars - Sisterworld
Lil' Jon - Crunk Rock
Lillix - Tigerlily
Little Big Town - The Reason Why
Katharine McPhee - Unbroken
OK Go - Of the Blue Colour of the Sky
Omarion - Ollusion
The Pipettes - Earth vs. the Pipettes
The Roots - How I Got Over
Scissor Sisters - Night Work
Scouting for Girls - Everybody Wants to Be on TV
Weezer - Hurley
Yeasayer - Odd Blood

Technically not a fruit (Disqualified)
A-Trak - Dirty South Dance 2
Sunny Sweeney - Heartbreakers Hall of Fame [2008]
Vistoso Bosses - The World Would Suck Without Girls mixtape

Processing
Mariah Carey - Merry Christmas II You
Joanna Newsom - Have One on Me

Un-cored
Elizabeth Cook - Welder
Patty Griffin - Downtown Church
Marion Raven - Nevermore (LOL)
Blake Shelton - Hillbilly Bone & [Other EP, forget the title]
Sunny Sweeney - Fearless

COR, OVERLOOKED IN 2009
Dam-Funk - Toeachizown